Race & Self Identity
As a child I went through a lot of identity crises. And I was so confused as to what I was.
Honestly I’d say it’s only been in last few years that I have actually realised what I am.
I remember my mum telling me a story about how in school, a close friend of mine turned to me and said “Eren you know you’re black right?” And I replied with “No I’m not, I’m beige”. This was in like Year 5 as well and I was so confused. How was I black? Am I black? WHAT IS BLACK?
Daddad and Nanny
Well, Ive realised im not. Not fully anyway. You see my dad is mixed (white and black). And my mum is Turkish.
So technically that makes me light skin however because of my Mediterranean mother, Im a lot more tanned than that. Im actually more tanned than my dad which is super confusing.
I also remember my mum telling me that as a baby, everyone used to think my auntie (dads sister) was my mum. Bless my mum we’d be in a shop and people would ask me where my mother was and she was standing right there. Or as a tween on holiday IN TURKEY BTW people would call me and my mum friends because of how different we looked.
I also remember being in like a kids summer camp with my little cousin and one of the teachers asked our ethnicity. I was thinking “what on earth is an ethnicity?” But I remember saying to the guy that we were from Ghana but not the one in Africa. Then the guy replied with “Guyana?” And I said yeah that sounds familiar.
Mum & Dad
I was like 5 when my mum took me to Leicester Square and one of those street artists pulled me up and asked where I was from and I said Turkey. I think I said that because I didn’t want to upset my mum by saying “London”.
Even in secondary school when people asked me where I was from, I’d say Croydon but then they’d say “no where are you actually from?”
“Well I moved to Sutton was I was like 3”
What they mean is what is my ethnicity. Well I am half Turkish, quarter Guyanese, quarter English and a bit of everything.
I was even more confused when I started to realise my ethnic background and the racism was coming in. I have to admit, it wasn’t a lot. Only 2 comments from boys in my year.
One day I was waiting for my so called friend after school when her boyfriend approached me and started making monkey noises - this “friend” did nothing to stop him btw. I didn’t take much notice I just thought he was being a weirdo but, not thinking anything of it, I told my parents the evening before parents evening. You can imagine what happens next. They told the school and the next day, the boy got called in to see the behavioural supervisor and got threatened with suspension. He went and told his posse and what happens the next week? I am cornered in a park getting pond water thrown on me because I nearly got their best friend kicked out of school. 1). I did nought 2). It was literal racism lol.
I am not joking this actually happened. I remember this was in Year 9 because I still had braces. I understand the kids at that age may not of known what he did and how it was wrong but dirty Beddington Park pond water? Keep it.
There was another time when someone told me to go back to India, you can imagine my confusion as I still didnt understand racism and I am not Indian. But that one didn’t faze me as much as the previous.
As a child, I only really had white friends which I think is why I didn’t catch on to my ethnicity from such an early age or really embrace it. Honestly, I still don’t. I don’t like plantain or kebab. Even nowadays I still get a bit of an identity crisis when people say I don’t look mixed race. Because like… what do I look like?
I found an artists called Loyle Carner (God) who is also mixed race, white and Guyanese, and he put my mind at ease a bit. I went to see him in concert and for some reason it kind of healed my inner child. He has a song called Georgetown which is the capital of Guyana. When he played that song, I got out my Guyana flag and waved it about like nobodies business. Well, he saw it (obviously because I was front row in the middle) and he took it, hugged me, told me I made his day and proceeded to wear it for his whole show. I was so proud that a part of me was also a part of him if you get me??
What I am trying to say is to not be ashamed if you haven’t grown up understanding where you come from because eventually, you will find someone of a similar background and they will help you heal. But its also important that you know where you came from and I am so proud to be made up of so many amazing cultures.
Love you all <3