Dealing with Grief and Anxiety
My Daddad was my greatest supporter. He took care of me as a child, taught me to read and write, introduced me to the classics such as In the night garden, Primeval, Eggheads. You name it, he made me watch it.
Daddad passed on January 5th 2022. It was a day of heartbreak. One I will never forget.
Daddad was in and out of hospital since that previous November, I visited him a few times but due to the Covid regulations around that time, he was only allowed to see one person a day for only an hour. The week prior to Christmas, we was told that someone in his ward had covid and we were not allowed to see him. Christmas was sad, empty, no sign of Daddad. Presents to and from him remained under the tree collecting dust awaiting his return home.
January 5th was the first day of term at my college and the first day I had driven there on my own since passing my driving test the previous October. I got lost on my drive home. Once I regained my bearings, I received a call from my dad saying that they had a received a call from the hospital and they suggested we come in to say our final goodbyes.
I feel guilty about it now because I wasn’t worried, Daddad was the type of man to pull through, he was stubborn like that. Once I arrived home, my dad had already left and my mum was waiting to take me there too. Upon arrival to his ward, the nurse guided us to a room where we are welcomed by our family. No Daddad in sight. I asked where he was and my dad asked me “Did the nurse not tell you?”, I proceeded to look around the room to find my family in tears.
That moment was like slow motion, I remember falling to my knees and finding my Nan’s lap. I couldn’t even look at her because I knew the sight of her upset would break me even more.
When the family arrived home, we thought it would be nice to open his Christmas presents and share them between us, one last piece of Daddad. I got a beautiful cream fleece.
I think the saddest part was his quarantine ended on January 6th.
I was lucky enough to not of previously experienced grief and I was unsure how or what I could do to proceed. Dealing with grief comes with a lot of anxiety and guilt. Regretting things you should have done and the things you didn’t. After a few days, it hit me that the man that raised me would never see the woman I am yet to become. He wouldn’t be at my graduation, my wedding.
Daddad got to a point where he was no longer an outdoorsy person. But when I saw him at my 18th birthday, my heart exploded with happiness. To see him come out of the shell of his front room and get dressed up for my party meant more than words can describe. And I wish I could’ve told him that.
It is completely normal to not feel yourself after experiencing grief, I know I definitely changed after the fact. I didn’t attend college or work for a week after Daddad passed. But I didn’t go through it alone. I was late on my homework and had no motivation to do any school work. So I reached out. Contacted my tutor and told her that I was feeling unmotivated to do anything and upon my arrival back to college, I found out she set up a meeting for me to meet with the student counsellor who provided me support and information about dealing with grief. I felt comfortable. Been told that I was allowed to take my time to heal lifted so much weight off my shoulders and I was not pressured to do anything or to not doing anything.
For anyone currently going through grief or bereavement, there are people who want to help. You don’t have to suffer alone and it helps to talk, get it off your chest.
Here are some links to guidance:
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/my-feelings/grief-and-loss/
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
Love and Guidance
x